40stripes.com dates all the way back to 2006.
I spend about $60 a year to publish my life online, and its maintenance is not easy.
Yet, I still want to keep this blog going and I refuse to delete its archives.
This is simply because 40stripes.com has followed me all the way through my polytechnic years, my national service days, even right up till now, when I have graduated from UB and found a job.
If you actually read through all 944 posts on this blog, you can probably see how I have transited through the various phases of my life. How some of my dreams were fulfilled, how I didn’t manage to achieve some of them, and how the rest of them were killed by the reality of life itself.
Then in October 2008, I tattooed the words ‘Proven Character’ on the back of my neck, which I have always found to be my sense of identity.
‘Proven Character’ sums up who I am, or at least what I aspire to be.
However, over the past year,
I had completely no control over myself, and how I reacted to certain situations.
My emotions spiraled out of control that I was so overwhelmed, and I allowed people, circumstances, and my environment, shape and mould me.
I became the type of person I hated.
Sometimes I would think about what had happened, wonder what went wrong, and push the blame on others.
When I went to church today, I walked in feeling like it was going to be just another weekend,
But it wasn’t. Somehow it felt different.
Perhaps it was the vibes of 2012 that hit me.
I bumped into old friends, ex-ministry members, and even an old crush,
And they still treated me as well as before.
As well as how they got to know me back then in 2008.
It made me realize that despite what had happened over the years, not everybody is going to judge me.
Some people still genuinely care.
Moreover, due to my job nature, I have to interact a lot with pupils and fit into a school setting.
I have to become the decent guy, removing all my piercings and covering up my tattoos, so that I am someone that children can actually feel comfortable with in a school environment.
That also means that I have to stop swearing, be less harsh, and start being kind to others.
In short, I have to start living right.
It is going to be a difficult task,
Because the truth is, after you hit a certain age,
A large part of who you are is already set for life.
I am 25 this year.
There are a lot of habits that I cannot get rid of.
I can’t just change myself overnight and transform into an angel the next morning.
It is going to take a lot of effort, determination, and time, to do that.
But I am willing to try.
While it is true that I can be a real jackass when I get angry, when I start to hate, and when I want to make things difficult for people,
the opposite is also true.
I can go to great lengths for people that I appreciate, that I love, and people that I really treasure.
People whom I feel that they should not be short-changed, and deserve to be treated right.
I had enough of making excuses for myself.
I had enough of making myself look pathetic.
Everybody makes mistakes. I may not have the capacity to forgive everyone, and I certainly don’t expect everyone to forgive me.
But what I can do for myself (which others can also benefit from) is to start living right, again.
I am not doing this because I have a motive.
I am not doing this because I want to have something to brag about.
I am not doing this because I have something to prove.
I am doing this, just because it is the right thing to do.
If there is anything that I can actually prove, it is to prove that if I can do it,
everyone else can.
It is difficult to distinguish right from wrong, because people draw their lines at different levels and standards.
But I am going to take the first step.
Enough with the hating.
Lets get down to business.
I am Proven Character.